Monday, July 11, 2011

A Naked Man, a Necktie, and a Birthday to Remember

Sexy secretary
Sexy secretary
Secretary’s Day neckties – based on a true story

This is a true according to Ann Landers, save the addition of a necktie to this funny story. I found this piece about 12 years ago and decided to add a little flavor to it concerning sexy secretary neckties. The content in blue is what I have added as fiction, the rest is how it was printed in the Orange County Register – Jeffrey Hunter

Why I Fired My Secretary still makes us laugh on Secretaries Day. Dear Ann: A couple of years ago you had a hilarious column on Secretary’s Day that kept our office in stitches. I clipped it out and planned to ask you to run it again. Here it is, Ann. How about it? Nellie from Vineland, NJ

That piece originally appeared in The Shining Mountain Sentinel. I tried without success to track down the author. It was a great hit with office workers everywhere. I am delighted you asked to see it again – especially because today, once again is National Secretaries Day, Ann Landers

Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, “I am another year older,” but decided to make this best of it. So I showered and shaved - put on my lucky grey suit, a light blue shirt and a tie that my wife had given me for a birthday present a couple of years earlier - knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, “Happy birthday, dear.”

All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife reading her newspaper, as usual. She did not say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, “Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me.”

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, “Give me a slice of toast! I’m late! Where is my coat? I’m going to miss my bus!” Feeling more depressed than ever I left for the office.


When I walked into my office my secretary greeted me with a big smile and a cheerful “Happy Birthday, boss.” She handed me a gift, which I could have expected was a conservative striped tie. She then asked if she could get me a cup of coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. I took off the tie that I was wearing and as if to show her my approval of her taste in neckties, I tied that striped tie around my neck, of course in a Windsor necktie knot. When she returned with a cup of coffee, she smiled, noticing that I was wearing the necktie that she had given me as a birthday gift. It was a tonal mix of subtle reds which was a nice contrast to my light blue shirt and grey suit.

A thoughtful secretary's gift, a red striped tie

Later that morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, “Because it’s your birthday, why don’t we have lunch together?” Thinking that it would make me feel better I said, “That’s a good idea.”

So we locked up my office, and since it was my birthday, I said, “Why don’t we drive out of town. And have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?” So we drove out of town and went to a little inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, “Why don’t we go to my place and I will fix you another martini?” It sounded like a good idea because we didn’t have much to do at the office.

So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, “If you will excuse me, I think that I will slip into something more comfortable,” and she left the room. In a few moments she opened her bedroom door and came in with a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks and that tonal red conservative striped tie draped across my bare chest which so wonderfully complimented my blushing face with a hue matching my new necktie.